My fave memories in the rain...

This morning Ottawa was hot, humid and muggy...reminded me of Alleppey for some reason...maybe it was the hot breeze with the promise of rain...

It is a nostalgic day...I try to place myself in various cities where I have lived like Alleppey, Trivandrum, Cochin, Bangalore and Ottawa...but when I try to remember which was my fave city, I just cant decide. I am wanderer by heart...I dont think I have one place where I will belong to geographically. Instead I would like to combine good memories of all these places and make one warm, fuzzy place in my mind, heart and soul that I think makes me feel like home.

I have always liked the rain...so much that I romanticize the rain like any monsoon-loving Indian...Bollywood always have at least one rain-romance-dance scene because it catches the fancy of us rain-lovers...Maybe we as Indians have been honed to romanticize the rain, because otherwise life would be difficult in the monsoon season.

One clear memory in my mind is having mango chaat (savoury snack made of rice puffs and fried chickpea-flour puffs) outside the Times of India office on M.G. Road in Bangalore one rainy afternoon with Smi. We were drenched, but that didnt stop us from having the delicious blend of chaat, sour green mangoes and spicy red chillies. Another time Chinmin and I were at Indian Coffee house on M.G. Road having strong South Indian filter coffee chatting and overlooking the bright pink bougainvilla blossoms across the street.

But the best memory ever is with my best friend Uma. We finished our computer lessons in Trivandrum and were supposed to go home, instead we walked almost 10 kms, just because it was raining and we were having the most amazing conversation. We were drenched, but we were laughing and people were staring at us...and the icing on the cake...we went to a cemetery after that...the cemetery was an impulsive decision...we walked in there to see how it would feel to go visit the dead. We both were Hindus and had never been to a funeral or a cemetery before, so we thought it would be a good idea to see, if there would be any paranormal things happening there or not...

We were blown away by how beautiful that cemetery was...Tall trees with white, purple and red flowers loomed above us like they were looking over us to keep us safe. The fallen flowers looked like a vibrant, plush rug against the black wet earth. We looked at the marble, granite and concrete tombstones...it was so quiet and peaceful to stand there, that we stayed for almost 30 minutes just enjoying the beautiful environment.

It was at that moment I realized that both Uma and I were different...we were not just normal Malayali girls from Trivandrum. Our lives were meant to be much more than the typical Malayali expectations...We were special...in our own way to make a mark in the world.

Finding myself

Its been a long time since I blogged, so today I decided I would write something...I was not sure what I wanted to write about, if I ever started a blog. Did I want to talk about my work, my life or my baby? Hmmm...I wish I was a little more egoistist, then I could I written about me, myself and Sree. Then I realized that I don't know enough about me, myself or Sree to write a blog...So I am going to see if I can find myself by writing down my thoughts.

I went to India in Feb 2011 for two months vacation. It was a vacation all right, but it also made me realize that I have no clue as to who I am. Ok wise-cracks...I know my name is Sreerekha, I am 30 years old...I am a journalist...I know who my mom, dad, sister, uncle, aunt, cousin , etc etc are...These are all things that define me as a person...But who the hell is Sreerekha?

Is she is the smart, pretty and cheerful woman as most people think she is? Or is she the cranky, cynical pessimist as her husband knows her as? Or is she the daydreaming, poetry-writing romantic that I know...So many sides and so many faces...maybe it is time to find the real me.

I considered maybe asking everyone who is close to me - what is that you think of me? what kind of person am I? I didnt ask, because I think I am too scared to know the truth. I rather make myself believe that I am Sreerekha 'Verma' happily married to A and has one adorable son with him. Can I be anything more than that? Is it wrong to want to be more than just someone's daughter, sister, friend, wife or mother?

The more I think about who I am, the more confused I am about me! How does one know? Is it my lack of confidence in myself that I am so torn and confused? Or is it that no one has ever asked me, not even me, who I am?

When I was in India, I went to my old room and I felt so strange...I didnt recognize the things in the room and I didnt know whos room it was...All I remembered was the smell of old books and naphthalene balls. My mom hadn't really change the room after I left the house, but still I didn't feel like it was my room...I felt like I was in a stranger's room and I was looking for clues as to what kind of person used to live there...

I am not sure if I lost myself when I moved to Canada, or if I didnt have an identity to begin with, so I have build up a new identity that is exclusive to my life in Ottawa. I am not even sure, if I am so happy about the new identity I have assumed, because if I was happy, I wouldnt be writing all this and making you go round in cirlces!

So the million dollar question is, how do I get to know the real me? Therapy? friends? family? Get high and talk to God? so many options that I know wouldn't work...