Finding myself

Its been a long time since I blogged, so today I decided I would write something...I was not sure what I wanted to write about, if I ever started a blog. Did I want to talk about my work, my life or my baby? Hmmm...I wish I was a little more egoistist, then I could I written about me, myself and Sree. Then I realized that I don't know enough about me, myself or Sree to write a blog...So I am going to see if I can find myself by writing down my thoughts.

I went to India in Feb 2011 for two months vacation. It was a vacation all right, but it also made me realize that I have no clue as to who I am. Ok wise-cracks...I know my name is Sreerekha, I am 30 years old...I am a journalist...I know who my mom, dad, sister, uncle, aunt, cousin , etc etc are...These are all things that define me as a person...But who the hell is Sreerekha?

Is she is the smart, pretty and cheerful woman as most people think she is? Or is she the cranky, cynical pessimist as her husband knows her as? Or is she the daydreaming, poetry-writing romantic that I know...So many sides and so many faces...maybe it is time to find the real me.

I considered maybe asking everyone who is close to me - what is that you think of me? what kind of person am I? I didnt ask, because I think I am too scared to know the truth. I rather make myself believe that I am Sreerekha 'Verma' happily married to A and has one adorable son with him. Can I be anything more than that? Is it wrong to want to be more than just someone's daughter, sister, friend, wife or mother?

The more I think about who I am, the more confused I am about me! How does one know? Is it my lack of confidence in myself that I am so torn and confused? Or is it that no one has ever asked me, not even me, who I am?

When I was in India, I went to my old room and I felt so strange...I didnt recognize the things in the room and I didnt know whos room it was...All I remembered was the smell of old books and naphthalene balls. My mom hadn't really change the room after I left the house, but still I didn't feel like it was my room...I felt like I was in a stranger's room and I was looking for clues as to what kind of person used to live there...

I am not sure if I lost myself when I moved to Canada, or if I didnt have an identity to begin with, so I have build up a new identity that is exclusive to my life in Ottawa. I am not even sure, if I am so happy about the new identity I have assumed, because if I was happy, I wouldnt be writing all this and making you go round in cirlces!

So the million dollar question is, how do I get to know the real me? Therapy? friends? family? Get high and talk to God? so many options that I know wouldn't work...